What’s Next, Gladiator Games at the County Fair?

Now that the Presidential Mullet has determined cage fighting is preferable to cake and song for birthday celebrations, Mrs. Grundy’s network reports that federal agencies, hoping to curry favor, are working hard on macabre merriments for other holidays.

The HHS secretarial Mullet wants a new ritual called the Turkey Trample to replace the traditional Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot. Woe to the pedestrian who interferes with joggers determined to cross a 5K finish line in the name of MAHA. Exercise and population control, all before lunchtime! 

Mrs. Grundy fears Turkey Trample participants will be as territorial and impolite as the bicyclists who refuse to remain in the lanes built specifically for them at great cost and inconvenience to others. 

Rather than fireworks on New Year’s Eve, there is talk of targeted fire bombings. Cities and regions unfavored by the political party in power should beware. However, the organizers fear the Presidential Mullet might approve but then postpone the actions, or call them on, off, on and off again during the course of a day. 

To specifically annoy PETA, USDA Mullets may ignore all bans on greyhound racing. Instead, they would sanction races with real, rather than mechanical, hares throughout the Easter season.  

Rumor has it that DHS has formed a new agency, Immigration and Customs Entertainment (ICE*), to sponsor gladiator games at county fairs. Apparently, the Mullets responsible for immigration detentions and deportations (not to mention shootings) want to burnish their reputations by reviving ancient Roman entertainment, including live animal hunts and martial combat. Thankfully, ICE* has no plans to mimic the Roman spectacle of public executions. 

Mrs. Grundy Thinks it is unwise to dismiss these ideas as far-fetched, as she dismissed the idea of White House-sponsored-cage-fights as preposterous. She sees now it was foolish to curb her imagination, when such malicious creativity abounds. Indeed.